With(in) Daily Life
The shell of a human being is the shape of their life experiences. I believe that every person on this planet has an effect that influences how people perceive them. No matter if you have a big or small personality, people have opinions on it. I am mostly a reserved person, but I can become more energetic when I am comfortable in the space that I am in. For as long as I can remember I’ve never been able to do the things I want to do out of a free of being judged. So, for today, I decided to walk in the shoes of someone who does as they want regardless of outside opinions.
I went to the park where the frog pond is located (IYKYK) because I wanted to take photos of work I did last semester in a photography class. I imagined a grass backdrop for these photos, and this park was the first place I thought of. On my way, I took mannerisms from my last walk and acknowledged people as I passed them. I encountered two people whom I smiled and waved at on my way to the park.
When I arrived, there were not that many people at the park. Either way, I was taking these pictures. I detoured off the trail and onto the grass. I was looking for the perfect spot with the perfect lighting to take these photos. Eventually, I settled on a place. I began organizing the photos, making sure to be very deliberate in the way I oriented them. I was taking my time. Sometimes, I’ll speed up a process in public to avoid stares, but today I felt different. These photos are a series of photos that represent the feeling of being socially withheld. Taking these photos in the manner that I did juxtaposes a restrictive mindset and a lively one. The black and white photographs are like windows into inflection. When you look beyond them, you find the positivity in the world around you. I feel like this is very symbolic of the shoes I am walking in today. I was so engaged in the act of organizing my photos, I completely forgot that I was in a public environment doing something out of the ordinary.
After that, I decided to do some laundry and go to the pool since I never go by myself. The pools in my apartment complex are standard in that they are surrounded by the glass of peering neighbors. I often avoid the pool because I always feel like I am being stared at, and I’m never able to actually enjoy myself.
Since the laundry and pool are close to one another, I often catch a glimpse of the water refracting onto the hard concrete walls. I just want to dive in head first — anything to beat the heat. It doesn’t help when the laundry’s drying and the machine begins heating the room. This just makes the process of doing laundry more strenuous and sweaty. The pool is a suggestion. However, I never act upon it because of my reserved sense of self in an environment I am uncomfortable in.
Today, I wanted to beat the heat in a bolder fashion. I separated my clothes — as I always do on laundry day —and got dressed in my swim trunks. I walked past the pool confidently, peering over the fence and staring at the shifting water. I put my clothes in the washing machine, set a timer, and headed for the pool. I panned the perimeter of the walkways that surrounded the pool, looking for peering eyes. I think I caught a few people looking, so I just focused on getting situated. If I had a speaker, I would’ve played some music to drive the point of this further, but all I had was my phone. I put on some music and chilled outside, waiting for my clothes to finish up.
There’d be times when I caught people peering through the windows or staring at me by myself. I maintained the act and remained relaxed. This is what I wanted to do, and I wasn’t going to allow neutral stares (to my knowledge) ruin it.
The rest of laundry day consisted of going back and forth between the washer, the dryer, and the pool. This is what I wrote on the lounge chair, waiting for my clothes to finish up:
Last semester, I took a photography class. The curriculum challenged me to be more mindful when it comes to art and design. This was a direct lane switch from being more of a spiritual artist who painted what they felt like to having a set of guidelines to shape the creative process. Process and reasoning were a big component of this class. The basis of these is imperfections of thought and critically engaging in ways that make the final product better. Perfectionism is something that pervades my work. No, I am not thinking “everything needs to be perfect.” It’s more of a habit of not knowing when a project is finished. It’s this idea of hiding the unfinished until it feels done. Last semester, in particular, got me in the habit of letting the roads of creation be emptied of trees that cast shadows of doubt. Many of my projects were elevated beyond the confines of the assignment, which ended in my showing up to critiques with unfinished work. When summer began, I did my usual routine of organizing my files because my desktop was cluttered with projects, both finished and unfinished. As I scanned over them, I could remember the critiques (some written) reverberating in my head. I can make something out of these. There, sat budding seeds that hadn’t yet reached the “place of no return” where I’d feel compelled to completely start over from scratch. Currently, I have finished a few projects and I want to complete a few more before the Summer ends. The imaginary “seal of confidentiality” has already been broken because they were critiqued, so I feel even more confident to release these projects.
I feel like this mindset is eye-opening to the possibilities of a secure way of thinking. At the end of the day, people are more caught up in their own lives to genuinely be concerned about what you’re doing (unless they are a Karen). Even if they are, you’re not in the wrong for being compelled to exist and do the things that make you happy. I’m sure most of the people I saw today had some thoughts, but they don’t matter in the bigger picture. Once I started looking beyond this restrictive mentality, I started to enjoy the brighter side of life.
